My Secret Heaven: November 2009

The cold seaside breeze blew past me, making me shiver.

The sounds of the crashing waves were like music to my ears.

Feeling the sand against my feet.

A peaceful calmness engulfed me.

Your hand held mine as we stroll along the beach.

Reminiscing about the times we shared, the memories we held.

I would have never thought that this would be the end.

The end to our relationship, the end of my fairytale.

“I’m sorry…” you whispered.

Slowly, you pulled your hand away, slipping away from me, like sand falling through my fingers.

I wanted to call out to you, but I had no energy left in me.

Weak in the knees, I collapsed onto the sandy beach.

Crying to myself.

Thinking of all the possibilities that might have led to this.

I cried that night, alone, on the beach.

I cried all my sorrows away, I cried my soul away.

You were the reason for my happiness, the reason I fought hard against all odds to make it to where I am today.

But the minute you left me, my hopes, my dreams …. my everything, they all left with you.

Memories of us together played like a video without sound.

Those memories that I have held on to, those memories I treasured.

Gaining up enough strength, I got up onto my feet and made my way home.

A home, that would never be the same again.

The house seemed darker and lonelier.

There was absolute silence.

All your stuff cleared off the table tops, pictures of us together were placed face down.

Making my way into the room, I opened the cupboard and found all your clothes gone….

The only thing left as a memory of you in there, was the tuxedo that you were due to wear a week later for our wedding.

Taking it off its rack, I held it close to me.

Taking in what was left of your scent.

Tears rolled down my cheeks.

You left without a warning; you just up and out on me.

I explored the house once again, like the first time you had brought me here.

Tracing my fingers against the table tops that once held your belongings, reminiscing about the nights we had spent standing on the balcony enjoying each others company.

I could not believe the fate that has befallen me.

Falling backwards onto the bed, I starred at the empty ceiling above.

You promised me to paint it black and to stick glow in the dark stars on so I would be able to watch them as I sleep.

Slowly feeling drowsy, sleep was going to overcome me when the doorbell rang.

Wiping the tears off my cheeks, I dragged my feet towards the door.

Pushing the door open, there you stood, dressed in a white tuxedo, smiling back at me.

Reaching out to touch you, you caught my hand.

And that was when you disappeared.

I was only hallucinating.

Standing there was not you, but the delivery boy.

He had the wrong address.

I slammed the door shut behind me.

Sighing, I took in three deep breaths and told myself that I had to move on.

Determined, I marched into the bathroom and washed up.

I confess, I did cry in the bath but that was it.

I was a new person after I came out.

Getting into bed, I told myself that it would be a whole new day tomorrow.

And a new day means a new starting, a new chapter.

[5 weeks later]

“His heart is failing him, he doesn’t have long to live”

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was unable to digest those words, it just hung there.

Could it be true?

Was that why you took the decision to leave me?

How could I have not known….

How could I be so unobservant, so insensitive ….

How could I let you suffer alone ….

Leaving whatever I was doing behind, I ran out of the building, into the rain, towards the hospital

I will not let you suffer like this!

I will not let you leave me!

Drenched, I burst into the hospital, rushing towards your ward.

I slowed down as your ward came into view.

I was not ready, I wasn’t sure what to say or to do.

Placing my hand onto the doorknob, I slowly turned it and as it inched its way open I closed my eyes.

I did not want to see you in pain; I did not want to see you suffer.

But as you called out my name, all my fears fade away.

Slowly opening my eyes, I saw you sitting on the bed, pale in the face, weak and fragile.

I cringed as I saw the many tubes jabbing into you.

Mustering up all my courage, I moved forward, slowly getting closer to you.

You smiled at me and I felt my heart beat faster.

I never did realize how much I missed that smile of yours.

I reached out and held your hand in mine.

We sat there in silence, starring into each others eyes.

The silence bearing a hundred thousand things I wanted to tell you.

But I knew you understood it all as I softly whispered to you those three words.

“I love you”

You opened your mouth wanting to say something, but you started to cough.

Panicked, I reached out to pour you a glass of water before handing it to you.

Without a word, you obediently drank the whole glass.

“Thanks” you managed.

I smiled in reply.

You gently patted your bed, indicating for me to sit down.

You held my hand in yours, warmth flowing into me.

“Why did you come back…”

“I won’t leave you here to suffer alone. I promised you, I will be there for you no matter what”

“I don’t want you to see me like this, I want you to remember me as I was and not as I am now…”

I shook my head vigorously, I strongly disagreed with you.

Tears were once again streaming down my cheeks.

“No, you are still who you are. To me, you are the same, you are still the loving, caring, kind, and loyal guy that I know and that is how you will remain to me”

A tear trickled down your cheek and you mouthed the words thank you to me.

I couldn’t bear it anymore, I leaned in and hugged you tight.

Not wanting to let you leave me, I grasped on tight.

“I love you, I always will” you whispered to me.

I pulled back, and stared deep into your eyes.

Slowly, I leaned in and gently planted a kiss on your lips.

That was the last time I saw you blush, and that was also the last time I saw you smile.

Your eyelids slowly started to close.

Not wanting to let you go, I called you back.

“Oppa!”

Like a jolt of life, your eyes reopened.

“Don’t go to sleep so soon, I have loads of things to tell you”

Smiling, you nodded, motioning for me to continue.

“Well, firstly, I’ve gotten a job at the firm and am doing really well now….”

“Oh, and guess what! You remember that girl from our science class back then? She’s working there too!”

I continued talking to you without stopping for the next half an hour.

But no matter what, it could not last forever, it was time, you had to leave.

Slowly, your eyelids started to droop.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt life slip out of you…

But I did not stop, I continued talking to you.

The machine showed that you no longer had a pulse in you.

Not long later, nurses and doctors came rushing in.

I was pushed right out of your ward, only allowed to watch from the outside.

They jolted you again and again.

But you showed no response.

As I looked at the glass, I could see your reflection beside mine.

That was when I know, you have left me forever.

You smiled at me, and whispered a soft I love you forever before disappearing… forever.

[A week later]

Once again, I stroll along the beach.

The crashing waves and the feeling of the sand against my feet brought back memories.

This time, I was strolling alone.

Nobody by my side, just me, myself and I.

Spreading my arms wide, I let the cold breeze blow against me.

I felt free and light.

Strolling back to where you left me, I sat down starring out at the vast ocean.

The image of the setting sun registered into my mind.

Smiling to myself, I picked up a handful of sand and let it fall through my fingers.

“Oppa ah…. You’re in a better place now, right? Do you miss me? I know I do….”

“But, I won’t waste the rest of my life. I’ll do as you told me and move on. Keeping you in my memories and in my heart”

“You’ll always be mine…. forever”